Salamandrafrost

    I never thought things would turn out the way they have. Who would have guess that in two years my life would turn completely around. I have gone from sweet innocent me to someone who finally realizes what real friends are. How family is the most important thing in ones life. Some people say that people don't change but there wrong. Some people change every day, for I am of those small few. I am not the person I was in high school. I have learned that people who don't accept others are those who cant even accept themselves. I have always been an open minded person. Loving and caring those around me no matter the affect it has had on me. I have been kind and mindful of the people around me. I have always had nice things to say to those who needed them, but as I previously stated People change.
    Myself now well I am not the sweetest person in the world, but I am not mean. I have although lost my filter when it comes to speaking to others who have either wronged me or who are just so close minded its frustrating. People have made me so. For instance I have come to realize that relationships change you the most of all. I went from dating a mommas boy who couldn't take responsibility for his own actions let alone himself. Being in my own apartment with someone I hate and having a job that treats employees like crap. To meeting a wonderful man and falling genuinely in love, being practically married and living with his parents some what comfortably. My attitude has completely changed though my goals in life are still the same. Wanting nothing more than to have a small house to have children in. I am waiting for the day I finally wed my handsome boyfriend. Sometimes life throws so much at you, you cant tell which path is the right one. I am glad I choose the right one.
    

It comes out of no where and hits you like a tun of bricks. It's only when your not looking for it does it find you. I had forgotten what it was like to be in a relationship. To be happy with that other person who picks you up when your down. Finally all his words of love and joy came back to me. What was once lost is not returned. I cannot express the great joy i feel in my heart. For he is my sun on a cloudy day, but also my rain. He is joyous when i am gloomy, and understanding when i am not. The Perfect is imperfect, but i too am imperfect. With wishes of happiness i see him.

I hate that I love you. I hate it when you tell me you love me but won't be with me. When you flirt with me and go flirt with her. when you yell at me for something she said. You say i am bitching but its because of what you did. You put me through hell all the time.So why do i stay because unlike you i have a heart. unlike you i still care... but now its done. you don't want me and i don't need you!

So i have been going through some tough times with my ex... Normally when a person breaks up with someone they dont ay friends with them and they certainly dont keep doing things with them. Maybe its my fault or maybe i was always ment to be forever alone!

Me and my ex have been broken up since November, but he is always telling me he loves me. We broke up because we were fighting a lot then when we talked about taking a break he acted like he was a free single man and he thought he could do anything. well that didnt go well for me and when he pushed my buttons i did the only thing i know how to do.. i pushed him away! I got really upset and told him i wanted our break to be perminent! I was wrong to do that it was probibly the worst mistake i have made. Since then everything with him has gone down hill and we both keep bringing up each others flaws. He thinks he is always right and i am the kind of person who gets angery with little things and overreacts to everything... putting us together is like setting fire to fule filled sea! He tells me he loves me, but he is trying to dated his best friend! I tell him that if he would love me enough he would be with me and he isnt... he replies with the whole " you broke up with me.." Though that is true he is the one who is always telling me that he is lonely and he wants to do certain naughty things with me... He doesnt understand that there is more to me than a sex life! I wish he could see the other half of me that is here most of the time... I am starting to hate myself and him!

We have been doing nothing, but fighting and the last time was really bad! He made me cry and i couldnt take any more so i cut myself... well sort of, its my version of cutting i scrach instead of cut because the scraches go away in two days and that means i can hide my feelings from the rest of the world, i couldnt tell him because he would tell my mom and that would be bad. I lost the only two people i talked to about  my problems... now what do i do... killing myself isnt a good enough punishment for me!


Kind of depressed.... hateing my life right now!

Have you ever had something happen to you that it changes your whole life? Well that was how i felt when i met Twi. She was as shy as any person would be going to a new school and like most people to me, she was just another quiet person in my class. She spent her time drawling dragons and randomly doodling while we were in German. We ended up being paired up in class to do a worksheet. She was the third party in the group and kept to herself untill she finally spoke up and said she could help. Thats when i saw what she was doing. Drawling of course just random things on a random peice of lined paper. It was quite remarkable to see her work and when i looked more closely at her cluster of randomness i saw a pokemon. I asked her if the doddle was of what i thought it was. We have spoken many times about this important memory and she told me that she thought i was going to make fun of her for likeing pokemon. Well to here suprise I told her how much i loved pokemon and how much i loved he drawlings. Through our class she continued to draw and ended up drawling a dragon head on our German paper. That was 4 and a half years ago and like most teenagers i had to clean my very messy book shelf where i keep most of my papers and only a few books. I found that old German paper and the fond memory of my good friend returnt to me.

That day 4 years ago changed my life. Through those years me and Twi had the best of times together. We shared thing with eachother that we keep secret and we were basically inseperable. We had our dissagrements like all friends and we were there for eachother when times got rough. Though we had a lot to learn about one another we always were by eachothers side. We picked up on eachothers traits and still even now we express them. We  even celebrated an anniversary of our friendship by haveing a dinner at her house. We wished our friendship would never end but with all good things comes an end.We started growing apart. First it started out as just seeing less of eachother then from that to every once in a while. Now we dont spend any time together. I was the one who needed her in our friendship. She was the only one i truly trusted and i shared everything with her even the truly deep things. When we stoped talking things changed even more. It was like she started to exclude me from her everyday life. In stead of me being her go to friend it was someone elce. I felt replaced and no madder how hard i tried things would never go back to what they were befor. I tried talking to her about how i felt. She listend said some things but in the end changed nothing. I found out from another friend that she started talking about my relationship behind my back and i confronted her about it. Things were said and i addmitted about talking behind her back as well...but only about how much she has changed and how much i missed her. She didnt want to argue so she just told me one thing..."its not worth it". I went from being a best friend to being another face. To this day i think about her and hope for things between us to get better when i know they ar'nt going to. If there is one thing i could tell her it would be that i am sorry I couldnt be a better friend to you and that no madder what happends you will always be in my heart. For you changed my life for the better and i will never forget you. I love you with everything i have.